Back to school!

Posted: July 30, 2013 in Inside my head...

Tomorrow is the big day!  My kids return to school.  My oldest two sons will be boarding the bus approximately 13.5 hours from now.  Their bus will come about 7:10am, meaning I have to be up by 6am to make sure they get their crap together and go.  My oldest son will be in the 6th grade and has to take a fine art.  It’s a school requirement.  Unfortunately he cannot sing a note to save his life so we’re stuck with him playing some sort of instrument.  He. Chose. the. Violin.  Now, I love the sound of violin music.  I do not love the sound of screeching strings as he learns to use this instrument.  For a time, I will be sure the instrument came straight from the bowels of hell.  He hopes to one day play the electric violin, which I’m completely cool with.  You know that scene in Revenge of the Nerds where Poindexter is jamming on an electric violin?  Yeah, that’s where my mind keeps going.  When I hear the screeching and want to beat my son with the instrument, I’ll think of Poindexter.

This year is the first year Dagyn will have a locker. He had some trouble with the combination yesterday but I think he’ll eventually get it. He has to get it. For some reason he loves to shove his head inside his locker. Every time he opened it yesterday, that’s what he did. I don’t know what he was looking for.

An hour and a half after the older two leave, my 5-year-old will be waltzing through the doorway of his kindergarten classroom.  I took him to meet his teacher today and while there, he was hugging random kids.  Yeah, he’s going to be “that” kid.  At least he won’t have trouble making friends.  As long as he doesn’t determine that every girl in the class is his girlfriend, I think we’ll be fine.

Interestingly, when Tobin came upon the doorway to his classroom, his teacher immediately knew who he was.  She bent over and looked at him and said, “I remember your brother, Dagyn”.  That’s it, this kid is doomed from the beginning.  He has a legacy to uphold and teachers already “know” all about him.  I guess we’re that family the teachers talk about in the lounge.  You know, when they say “Oh, you go THAT family… my deepest condolences.  Maybe this one will be different and NOT pull down his pants in front of God and everybody.”  I really do have to have some pity on this school as they will be dealing with 13 years straight of my children.

I actually am going to take Toby to his first day of kindergarten.  I think it’s some sort of unwritten law that I must drive him AND take pictures.  I will.  I do love the kid.  When it comes time to formally drop him off though, I’ll push him through his classroom door and run like hell.  If I knock down a sobbing mother saying goodbye to her 5-year-old baby, I’m sorry.  By the time you send the third child to school, it’s a time for celebration – you’ve regained a little more of your freedom!

I’ll save the crying for the drive home…


We have a lake in our backyard.  It’s pretty, most of the time.  We have a variety of wildlife that frequents it.  We did have a resident Cottonmouth snake but I found its dead body lying on a rock during last year’s drought.  Good riddance.  There’s a lovely blue heron that I pretty much see daily.  I did have an incident with a woodchuck one day.  I sent my husband out to take a picture of it but that was interrupted by him stepping on a baby bunny.  The bunny nearly knocked my husband over because it startled him and proceeded to propel forward right into the woodchuck.  Not sure who ended up the victor in that whole mess.

Oh, I must not forget to mention the ducks.  I don’t mind the ducks.  They pretty much keep to themselves, unless you are throwing bread to them.  Then you’ll have about 100 ducks surrounding you like a scene from the Walking Dead.

There’s also geese.  Have I ever mentioned I hate geese?  I would love nothing more than to kick them in their stupid, hissing heads.  You don’t even need to be throwing bread to them,  if you stand there they will come close enough to demand food.  If you don’t have food, prepare to pay the price.  They will chase you all the way back into your house.  If you have food, you’re tolerated just until you run out.  I like to bring them close with food and let my golden retriever outside to have some fun and scare the crap out of those jerks.  Two of these resident geese are white farm geese.  Let me tell you, they are the biggest assholes of the bunch.  Not just figuratively but physically as well.  They beat up the ducks and are the noisiest creatures on the planet.  I would love them to get close enough for me to introduce them to a friendly baseball bat.

Oh, there’s fish too.  When I say fish, I don’t mean the typical lake fish.  I guess some bonehead decided to stock the lake a while back with some blue gill.  This has resulted in an overabundance of blue gill.  There are literally thousands of starving fish in that lake.  They will bite anything!  You could put your old fingernail clippings on a hook and you’d catch these little freaks.  When I say little, I mean little.  I’ve seen my kids pull up fish no bigger than my toddler’s hand.

Then we have the turtles.  This overabundance of fish has provided them ample food to grow to epic proportions.  These suckers are HUGE.  I half expect one to come up out of the water and start talking to me.  These things are either turtles or some undocumented creature.  What run-of-the mill turtle grows to be nearly the size of a TIRE?  I saw a smaller goose struggling in the water the other day.  The damn thing was screaming and kept trying to fly out.  Each time it would attempt, something would drag it back under the water.  Feathers were everywhere floating on top of the water.  Eventually, it went under and didn’t come back up.  I’m sure our own person lake monster had quite a feast that day.  What was left over ended up on the bank and picked apart by blackbirds.

One of those evil white geese had a run in with the lake monster.  It’s a large goose so it wasn’t being dragged under but it couldn’t get out of the lake either.  Eventually, the goose would have been so tired that the turtle would have won.  My 12-year-old felt sorry for it and wanted to help.  I told him it was poetic justice, that the goose was getting a first hand lesson in karma.  Still, his bleeding heart couldn’t stand to watch the slow demise of an animal, asshole or not.  Eventually the goose made its way to a shallow part of the lake where my son approached and pokes the turtle in the head with a sharp stick.  Needless to say, the turtle let go and the goose was saved.  I seriously expected the goose to go free and chase my son but the damn thing started following him!  It didn’t hiss, it just followed him.  Maybe it was chasing him but couldn’t because of its injured foot.  My son stopped for a minute and the goose just stood there by him.  Great, now it thinks they’re friends.  Maybe I’ll invite it over for a barbecue. (and a game of baseball)


I had to take this picture through the back window.  The moment I stepped outside, the geese started hissing and screaming.  The boy can feed the damn things by hand.

I had to take this picture through the back window. The moment I stepped outside, the geese started hissing and screaming. The boy can feed the damn things by hand.  Oh look I think there’s a ghost in this picture.  That blur is totally not a spot on my back window.

12 days…

I must keep reminding myself of that lovely little tidbit…

Tomorrow will be 11 days. Sunday will be 10 and after that we’ll be in the single digits!

Yes, my kids will be making their triumphant return to school!  I might finally be able to clean my house and it stay that way for more than a few seconds.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love picking up empty popsicle wrappers and random bandaids off the floor!  I love it just as much as I love inserting straight pins under my fingernails.

I’ve been in a really bad mood the past few days.  So, I figured writing a blog might help.  So far so good, my desire to run screaming from my home is slowly fading.  Wait, the 12 year old just brought me ANOTHER pair of broken headphones.  I mean, literally, 30 seconds ago.  I seriously am not buying another pair.

Now the 5-year-old is freaking out because the 16-month-old changed the TV channel.  Seriously, you would think the toddler picked up the television and threw it at him with the way he is acting.  In the most pitiful voice he can muster, he is literally begging me to help him change. the. channel.  I think this is a job for supermom the BIG BROTHER.

So, in the 10 minutes it took me to write this blog, my kids broke a set of headphones and there was a major television crisis involving a toddler and kindergartener.  Well, in 12 days he’ll be a kindergartener.

12 days…


Can you identify THIS:

First of all, IT IS NOT A TURD!  Sure it may look somewhat like a dried turd but it is most definitely NOT a turd.  Seriously?  Do you really think I would post a picture of a turd?  That’s gross!!  I mean, how would I get a turd? (Don’t answer that.)   Secondly, this picture is taken on my kitchen counter!  I make dinner on this counter.  Lopping a turd out on the same counter is not my idea of a good time.

Okay, let’s try again!  Here’s another angle.

Ahh, I bet you have an idea of what this is now!!  I’ll give you a hint!  It has been burnt almost beyond recognition.    NO!  It’s not a finger!!  Come on, what sort of sadist do you think I am?  First you thought it was a turd and now a burnt (and not to mention chopped off) finger!

Okay, here’s your last try before I reveal what it is.  I’m sure some of you know exactly what it is.  For those that are still scratching their heads…

Have you figured it out?

No?  Yes?  Maybe?

This object is the charred remains at Tobin’s attempt to make his own lunch.  Of course he had no idea that stuffing a hot dog into the microwave for 15 minutes would result in this.  Nor did he realize it would CATCH FIRE in the microwave.  I came home to the oppressive smell of smoke and found this after my husband had put the fire out and sat it in water for me to see.  (The fire was small and contained to the microwave.  It didn’t cause any REAL damage, except for to the hotdog and the glass plate in the microwave.)

Now the microwave smells of charred hot dog.  Does anybody know how to get the smoke smell out of your microwave because mine now smells like charred ass!!

Posted: June 26, 2012 in Inside my head...

This had me laughing so hard I snorted while reading it to my husband!!

Becoming Cliche

Lots of us were shocked by the provocative article in Time magazine (or was it Newsweek? Or the Enquirer? Is the Enquirer still around?) called “Are You Mother Enough?” I know I was shocked. Stunned. Taken aback. I didn’t actually read the article, of course. Like most of America, I stopped at the cover. Because everyone knows that while you can’t actually judge a book by it’s cover, magazines are fair game. So I looked at the cover and drew my own conclusions.

Take the fact that the woman’s child is not attempting to disrobe her completely while he is nursing or sticking his free hand down the front of her shirt in an attempt to find Mommy’s missing belly button. The conclusion I drew here is that this woman must be some kind of voodoo priestess who exercises Jedi mind control. And she must be stopped. No normal…

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Posted: June 17, 2012 in Oh Yes, it happened!
Tags: , , ,

That’s another place we won’t be invited to ever again!  It was one of those days where if I had the abilities of an ostrich, my head would be in the sand!  This entire week was like that with Beanie though.  I have noticed that when Beanie is tired, he acts like a crazy man!  I woke him up every day last week around 7am and we went to VBS part of the week.  He’s not used to so much activity so I’m guessing it wore his little butt out which resulted in the chaos theory exuding from his being a little more than usual.

We went to a cookout on Wednesday to another foreign exchange student’s host home.  This young man is preparing to leave to go back to Brazil.  I had been looking forward to the event for a few weeks and my kids were excited because they have a pool and a trampoline.  What fun!!

However, the way the day was going to go was evident from the moment Beanie got out of the van.  The first thing he saw was their dog, a spaniel of some kind.  We have a golden retriever and Tobin will sit on her just to watch TV and she lets him.  Apparently Beanie thought all dogs enjoy being sat upon so he decided to do just that to this small spaniel.  “Get off the dog!!”

Things were pretty quiet for a little while after that.  Of course I was watching Beanie like a hawk and he knew it.  Food was ready and I fed my hooligans.  Then my hubby ate.  While my hubby was eating, I lost track of Beanie.  When I found him, he was sitting on the family cat!!  “Get off the cat!!”

Finally my husband finished his plate so this allowed him to take our daughter and I get to eat.  Yay!! No…

As I am making my plate, my husband comes into the house where the food is.  I immediately ask him about the kids, the older three are on the trampoline he tells me but I am more concerned with Beanie.  Then I look out the window and one of those slow motion moments kick in…

Now, this family lives out far enough where they can have chickens and they modified a dog house to have a caged area with chicken wire.  From this tiny window I see Beanie opening the back of the dog house and crawling inside.  The next thing I see is him appearing in the caged portion of the chicken’s enclosure and the chickens start freaking out!!  “Don’t you dare sit on the chickens!!!  Get out of the chicken cage!!”

Then my 17-year-old managed to misjudge the trampoline and his leg went between the springs and he managed to rack himself.  I’m sure it hurt like hell, but all I could think about was “don’t you dare mess up your knee again”.

Just before we were getting ready to leave, all the teenagers sat down on the trampoline together and since Beanie is 4 and thinks of himself as a teenager, he sat with them.  Well, he didn’t sit for long.  He started walking around the exterior circle of the trampoline.  He went to step over one of the teenagers and accidentally kicked him in the nose.  This caused the teens to laugh.  Bad idea… laughter encourages the Beanie.  The next time around, he made no attempt to step over the young man from the Czech Republic.  Instead, he STOMPED directly on the kid’s chest.  “Get off the foreign exchange student!!”

When we left, it wasn’t a half mile down the road that Beanie was passed out.  The entire day wasn’t a tragedy though.  We did get this amazing picture…

I would say that what you see in this blog is only about 10% of what I write in it.  I don’t know how many drafts I have that have never been published.  I do know it is quite a few.  I tend to take criticism hard when it comes to what I write.  You can tell me that I’m ugly, stupid, fat, or slow; just don’t criticize what I write.  I don’t even know if this post is going to make the cut.  I may never even publish this blog post…

Okay, I probably will post this one.

You see, what I write is important to me and is my creation.  The fiction I write contains real people that exist inside my head.  (Maybe that explains the headaches!)  I managed to create an almost 50,000 word piece of fiction and proceeded to edit it.  Then I edited it again.  Then I edited it again.  The next thing I knew, I had edited it so much that it was a giant mess.  One chapter didn’t make sense with the foreshadowing three chapters prior and I even managed to insert the same scene twice!!  In my efforts to perfect my creation, I screwed it up even more!  Now, it’s such a mess that I might as well just re-write the whole thing over again.  Unfortunately, between my 4-year-old chaos theory incarnate son, my sweet baby girl, and three crazy testosterone laden humans, time to write is a short commodity.

I have tried to start the re-write several times but I just can’t seem to get into the groove.  I’ll probably find the groove again someday about 18 years from now.